The house is quiet, everyone is sleeping. A beautiful and busy day has come to an end. Baby is sleeping, lullabies are playing, and somehow tears are filling my eyes as I pray. Why so many tears tonight? Why is being still and knowing He is God so completely exhausting at times? Why do I find surrendering to take so much strength? I’ve been here before, many times. When God allows life events to stop me like a brick wall and make me realize, I can’t change this. I can’t fix this, I can’t do anything apart from Him! I must simply be still and Know He is God.
Only a few more days and our sweet baby blue eyes will be having a much needed surgery. Our family was blessed by the outpouring of love and prayers for Daniel a few weeks back when we shared that we were going into CMH to consult with his surgeon and GI specialist. I had told everyone I would share the details and yet, I put it off day after day. I thought about sharing many times. I prayed about sharing, but couldn’t find the right words. Finally, tonight I felt like I could finally take all the thoughts and emotions that were racing in my mind and make them come out clearly through the tips of my fingers.
Our visits went very well. I felt the Lord’s comfort. I had understanding as the questions I asked were answered. I felt Peace that passes all understanding as test results were read to me; results I wish I could wish away.
It was decided by my dear Joe after labs, much prayer, and council that it is the Lord’s plan for us to move forward and have the surgeries suggested. I’ve been asked if it’s a surgery that will fix Daniel’s Duchenne’s; there is no surgery to fix Duchenne’s. Duchenne’s is in Daniel’s DNA. This surgery is to place the G-tube and perform a Fundoplication. The G-tube will help us not have the NG tube being pulled out multiple times a day. No longer will I wake with anxiousness checking my sweet boy to make sure he’s not tangled the NG cord around his neck as he slept. No longer will he be able to pull the tube out and put it in his play car’s fuel tank instead. No more wondering if we have the NG placed correctly, no more rashes on his face from the tape, no more leaking NG tubes because Daniels bitten holes in them, and the list of “no more” could go on. It’s amazing to think back to the first mention of the G-tube. I remember how devastated I was, the heart sobs, the feeling as if I had done something wrong, “If only I had…”, and the prayers I sent up asking God to please be merciful to my son. In God’s great mercy, he did not answer my prayers as I had hoped; but instead he changed me. He allowed me to see that at this time, and for reasons I don’t understand, this is His plan. He gave me time to become “okay” with the G-tube and even see the benefits. He’s allowed me to see that it truly is necessary for Daniel’s best. He’s asked me to once again put my “box” of ideas away and simply allow Him to be God.
The other part of the surgery is a Fundoplication. A Fundoplication will keep our boy from being able to vomit. The surgeon shared why it was needed and that it was not something he did lightly. However, because of Daniel’s situation he felt it was needed to not only give Daniel a better quality of life, but a longer life. I told the surgeon that I couldn’t possibly make that decision without my husband. He understood and gave me the details and told me to have my husband call him. When I shared with Joe he said, “I wish we knew someone that had it done who could share their experience. In only a way that God could do He brought a woman to us who had a little girl not only have the same procedure done, but also by the same surgeon. She had actually come to visit the farm for a cow we had put up for sale a month before. When she came in and saw Daniel she began to share her story. I sat and listened, asked questions, and found myself in awe of God. I was so caught up in the moment that I completely forgot she came for the cow. I just figured that was how God had brought her to our home to give us that confidence needed. It was a joyful and humbling moment. A moment when He reminded me that He never leaves us, never forgets us, never grows old of caring for us and all the little details that are included.
I see God’s mercy and guiding hand in all these details, so why all the tears tonight? I guess because I begin to think ahead of today. I begin to think of not being with him when he wakes from surgery and my heart just aches. I wonder, “Will they be tender with my son?” Then the tears just start to flow… taking a deep breath, I remind myself God is with us. God is with my son. By His strength we will face all our tomorrows. For tonight I will set my heart attention on Him. I will not be anxious about our tomorrows for God’s kindness surrounds me today, at this moment!
With much love,
Mrs. Joseph Wood