It must be one of the hardest moments in a couple’s union when they realize that they have lost their spouse’s heart. It rarely happens all of a sudden or with one life event. Rather, it is over a series of life struggles when the hearts begin to separate and drift away a little bit at a time.
My Joe and I have a beautiful and precious marriage. When I say he is my best friend it is not for a cute gathering of words on a page or the tickling of ears. I know of no other way to describe the friendship in our blessed marriage. There is no other phone call I love to answer than my Joe’s. There is no other place I’d rather be than with my Joe. When I dream of doing something just for me… it always includes my Joe. The neat thing about our relationship is that it’s not just me that feels this way. There is no doubt that I too, am my husband’s best friend. We laugh together, work together, hurt when the other hurts. We dream together, struggle together, pray together, press forward together, and desire to be together. We love the oneness of our marriage, and the quiet moments when it’s just “us” and the Lord…
But it wasn’t always that way….
There was a time, that seems like forever ago, when I sat lonely in my own home. When my husband would go about his own way hardly noticing I was there, except when he needed his shirt to be ironed. We slept in the same room, the same bed, but we didn’t sleep together. He’d arrive home from work and never say, “hello”. Instead, he’d walk back to the master bathroom and begin the routine of taking his shower so he could go about his own tasks.
I wasn’t any better. If I had something to say it rarely was anything to build my husband up. Encouraging him wasn’t even on my radar. I was selfish, demanding, and vain. I loathed (yes, loathed!) the idea of serving my husband or fulfilling my position as a helpmeet. I thought I was right about whatever we might be discussing and knew how to manipulate the conversation so that I appeared “right”.
No wonder he stopped talking…
There was never any screaming in our home, there was silence! That thick, dark, lonely silence that seems to weigh you down into the rut you’ve found yourself in. It’s the kind of silence that happens when the two that God has joined together drift apart and no longer make up the “one” that He intended. I hate that kind of silence!
I don’t know when it happened or why, but I clearly remember the day I was able to see what a disaster we had within the four walls we called home. I remember being on my knees sobbing and having no idea how to fix the mess I had created. We weren’t both 50% wrong, we were both 100% wrong! As I write this note, I vividly remember that morning of prayer. I can remember how heavy my knees felt pressed on the floor, how wet my tears were, and how hopeless my marriage was.I felt like a complete failure!
I can’t explain how God humbles hearts or opens eyes to see, but that is exactly what He did for me. I didn’t read a book, listen to a sermon, or talk to a friend. It was just His Amazing Grace that spoke to me in the depths of my despair and gave me a vision for something so beautiful that I hardly knew it was possible. I began searching the Scriptures for examples, praying fervently, repenting earnestly, and began to take those baby steps (which felt like giant leaps) toward being the wife and woman God had intended.
It was awkward at first. Very awkward. There were times I questioned if I was being led by the voice of the Lord or by some crazy voice in my head. Tomorrow I will post some of the simple yet, heart transforming actions that God gently lead me through. I will share that moment when God gave me the greatest gift, after my eternal salvation, that I’ve ever recieved… my husband’s heart!
To God be the Glory,