With a series like “Intimacy in the Christian Marriage” there are bound to be questions. There were questions in my mailbox before I even posted the first of this series, Intimacy in the Christian Marriage. It’s important to me that I answer all of these questions for you and others. I know this is a difficult subject to discuss. However, if we don’t start talking about it as an “older” woman to a “younger” woman we risk leading the “younger” women to all the wrong sources. We want to be “older” women who share thoughts based on the Truth of the Word of God. I want you to live victoriously in this area of your life! I want to see your marriage thrive for the glory of God! Let’s see if I can’t help provide you direction with that goal in mind.
Question #1 So as someone who was sexually abused. How do we get past the feeling of being dirty to satisfy my husband and the ability to open up to him and fulfill his requests? What acts are pleasing to God? That is an area I have never been informed in and it already hard to open up. What is proper and what is not?
Answer: Intimacy can be a very challenging area of marriage for couples who have been through abuse. However, we know that God restores what the locus has taken. We know that He wants the married couple to experience the beauty of intimacy in a way that brings him Glory. So how can you make that transition? By the grace of God! Seeking Him for direction in this area of your marriage is absolutely necessary! God cares about these details.
The details of what is okay to do and what is not will vary greatly from couple to couple. The foundation of where to get the “okay” is found through Scripture. Use Scripture as a ruler when you consider what is acceptable and what is not. I love weighing my actions, thoughts, and words against Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Ask yourself, “Is this true, is this honest, is this lovely, is this of a “good report”, if you feel like the answer is no to that question, talk to your spouse and discuss how to build your times of intimacy on this principal.
Question #2 There are things he wants that I’m not comfortable with, but am I even allowed to feel that way? Are my hang ups things I need to work through or are his expectations unrealistic because of his years viewing porn and how do you tell the difference?
Answer: I discussed this a bit in the question above. However, I want to make sure I answer your question specifically. You asked, “Am I even allowed to feel that way?” Your feelings are given to you as a guide. We are not to be ruled by our feelings, but we must own the fact that God gave us feelings so how does he want us to use them for His purpose. I teach my children that those feelings can be used wisely or foolishly. I say all this to say, “YES!” you are allowed to have those feelings. Those feelings may very well be from the Lord. It’s important to talk with your spouse and ask that you build this time of your relationship very purposefully. Talk about what you both feel is pure, true, and lovely in the sight of God. Only do what you both agree to fit these guidelines. I firmly believe that the Christian couple should stay away from anything that would have the appearance of evil. Our time of intimacy should not look anything like pornography.
Question #3 How much do you feel should be “explained” before a bride and groom get married. I’ve heard conflicting reports on this. Some say they need to know it all, some say you are violating their first- time experience. If you have older children, how much have you explained as far as intimacy goes…all of it so they know what to expect or leave it to explore together? Thank you!
For our family, I discussed the act of intimacy from a physiological aspect, the purpose of intimacy, the lies they might hear about intimacy, and then I answer any questions they might have. It’s a precious time of conversation between myself and my girls. My married daughters still feel comfortable to call me today with questions. I do my best always to be available to answer those questions as an “older” woman in their life teaching them first to love their God, their husband, and their children. I have richly, and I do mean richly savored the moments of mothering my adult children. I am thankful the Lord has given each of them spouses who honor me and trust what I am saying to their wife. I don’t take that responsibility lightly.
Do you have a question? If so make sure you leave a comment below, and I will do my best to answer.
Until our next chat,
Mrs. Joseph Wood
Part 1 Intimacy in the Christian Marriage- Is God Silent?
Part 2- How We Should Behave
Part 3– Overcoming Pornography
Part 4– When I don’t Feel Like Being Intimate